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Reminent of a dream

T’is so close yet so far…t’is a dream

If our path shaltn’t interwine
Where be my blossomed heart?
Yet through it nought was wrought
But a lonely cold heart brought

Your cross I see before me
While my soul set out to bear
My heart awaits in despair
For darkness to be all that it be

If I hadn’t met you
Would I have known what it is?
Warmth in the midst of winter cold
Love in the midst of life unfold

Two hearts in story of old
Two minds swirled to a hold
Two friends drowsed in cupid’s bow
Two souls drowned in melting snow

For today I await tomorrow
That memory will a day be shadowed
As in time we became but strangers
So one day I’ll become yet stronger

In Memory

Who would’ve thought the weekend would’ve brought with it a tragedy. Two occasions within the span of a month. Today I heard the news that a classmate of mine has passed away. He went up north on a rafting trip. He never came back. I didn’t really know Ishan much. We spoke couple times. I don’t know what it means. Perhaps it is because I didn’t know him that I felt nothing. Maybe it’s because he is not my friend that I feel no sorrow, no matter how hard I try. Or just maybe, I’m so entrenched in myself that I became apathetic to others. Whatever is the case, just like that, he is gone. Forever.

I want to say R.I.P., but what good does it do.

Psalm 50

I was reading through Psalm 50 today, and the last part of it struck me.

   “What right have you to recite my laws
   or take my covenant on your lips?
17 You hate my instruction
   and cast my words behind you.
18 When you see a thief, you join with him;
   you throw in your lot with adulterers.
19 You use your mouth for evil
   and harness your tongue to deceit.
20 You sit and testify against your brother
   and slander your own mother’s son.
21 When you did these things and I kept silent,
   you thought I was exactly like you.
But I now arraign you
   and set my accusations before you.

 22 “Consider this, you who forget God,
   or I will tear you to pieces, with no one to rescue you:
23 Those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me,
   and to the blamelessI will show my salvation.”

Many times we do things, thinking that by it we are pleasing God. But really, what He desires, we do not do. If you ask me whether I want to know God, I’d raptly reply yes. Yet with hundreds of books I’ve read, the words of God was the one book I started and not finished. Tens of thousands of pages I’ve read, yet not couple hundred pages of the Bible. Sure I delight in His instruction. I delight in the superiority of the moral standard it entails. Yet I do not feel compel to ingrain it in my life. Yes through Christ we have salvation. But to be born again entails death to the old and birthing of the new. Even then I hold on to the past, I have things that I cannot let go. Dark places in the heart that I wish not it be seen. We can keep on waiting and waiting, asking God to change us, yet we move not. We do a lot of things in church, thinking that it pleases God. And when He is silent, we take it for approval. And overtime, we made God in our image. If we feel He is distant, it is because we are distant. We can wait and wait, and keep asking for God to change us. But if we don’t do our part, He cannot do His. For in surrendering, we are not asking to become puppets, but our will becomes a sail, gently guided by His breath. When the songs we sing, become the meditation of our hearts. When the vows we make, becomes a reality. When the words we say, become genuine praises of thanksgiving. We will have been different. Reaching on to perfection. Full of righteousness and truth. The road is hard, and the path is tough. For we wage war against ourselves, against everything we’ve ever known, everything we’ve ever been accustomed to. But we are not alone. If God is with us, who can be against us. So I continue to press on. I stumble. I fall. I stand up again. I will not stop until I run to the finish line. And there to see Him face to face and there to hear Him say, well done.

Prodigal

Wide awake, the world goes round n round…

there and back again, the places I’ve been to…

The songs I’ve sung, the words I’ve said…

Rewinding thoughts, unwinding times…

Journeys begun, journeys ended…

Wide awake, the world goes round n round…

If you stop, you will hear, but who’s listening…

The world inside, the world beyond…

One once lost and found…

India – Entry 1

As the bright sun lit up the morning sky, the streets burst into life with a chorus of motor engines roaring, birds chirping and trees hustling. I stood on the balcony, eleven stories above ground, looking out into the city of Bangalore, India. The horizon a mix of buildings, tall, short, finished, unfinished; trees, coconut, banana, palm, whatever else was there, placed sporadically in between buildings and houses. The color was a mix of green, yellow, red, concrete, wood, against the backdrop of blue sky and little gray-white clouds. I took a step back, sat on the bench and soak in the sun and the slight breeze of a typical morning. The temperature was probably about 27-28 c, just right.

What happened the night before, I could only recount in memory. But being there, seeing all those things, what a totally different world some of us live in.

An hour later on the bench, thinking a million thoughts, Tim, my German colleague came out to the balcony, told me it was time to go. We got up and walked out of the luxurious 3 rooms apartment down the elevator and into the street. We called for a cab, but the line took forever. The gateman managed to secured us an automatic rickshaw. His name was Ashan, if I read his license card correctly. The tattered three wheeler, a hybrid of a motorcycle and a roof and an extra wheel, was a quick alternative to the common cabs here in India. No meters to measure distance, only power of negotiation. Ashun asked for 350, we said 250, he said 300, we said ok. 300 rupees seemed cheap enough for 75 km, even if it might be a rip-off by the local’s standard. We got on the rickshaw. The engine sputtered into life as Ashun pulled some strings on the vehicle.

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut, the three wheeler wheeled off onto the main road. The traffic wasn’t too bad this morning. The road occupants consisted of cars, trucks, motorcycles, automatic rickshaws, pedestrians and of course cows. The rickshaw might not be a speedstar but its maneuverability was insurmountable. Ashun made a show of his expertise as he snaked through the myriads of vehicles and animals in a jumbled mess of the glorious Indian traffic.

On the sides of the roads, building of all sizes and color and developmental stage came into sight. Houses, office buildings, temples, markets (people sitting under giant umbrellas with their plethora of fresh fruits and vegetables), can be seen all over. I took a few deep breaths, the air reeked of fumes and stenches and pollutants emitting from cars, garbage dumps and rotten meat stalls. There goes ten days of my natural life span. Every time the traffic stall, a chorus of honking horns responded. Horns are probably used more every second here in India than probably for a whole year in Canada. Some of the horns even got a musical sound.

People are building, selling, buying, worshiping, walking, running, road crossing, chatting, everywhere I turn was full of life. I’m not sure whether it’s the struggle for survival, or the ruggedness of life, but there is something about this place that gives a whole new dimension to what it means to really live.

An hour later, I was back at the Infosys campus. Six gate entrances, surrounded by high wall and men in uniform with assault rifles protects the IT heart of India. I was relieved that I made it back alive, although that might be an over statement, but having just arrived in India for a week, I was completely at the rickshaw driver’s mercy. Stepping into the campus was like stepping into a completely different world. Beautiful ponds, fountains, trees, and amazing buildings marked Infosys’ giant headquarter here in Bangalore. The Employment Care Center, the place where I’m staying is more or less a four star hotel with daily cleaning service. Life here is nice and sweet.

We talk about poverty gap in Canada. I see it for real in India. The disparity between the rich and the poor marred by luxury and struggle for survival spell out the facts of life here. Within one day, I’ve been to the huge mansion, a big shot’s house with several servants, in a Mercedes. Next I’m cruising down the road in a torn up rickshaw, giving a guy probably most of his daily earning. If it’s true that one day, the meek will inherit the earth, I pray to God that when that time comes, I can at least sweep their streets.

8

Eternity, forever, such are vague words that define indefinite amount of time (or is it infinite?). Too bad our brains are too tiny to grasp their full essence. Yet in a way, we’re drawn towards it.

Is it possible that while we do not fully understand it, that we express ourselves by it? It is foolish to think that we have control over the future. Yet it’s strange that one should place words like ‘forever’ in some vows.

It is strange indeed that one should say, “I will love you forever”, knowing that one has no power over destiny, where ever it may lead. Yet it is strange that I should feel confident in today and tomorrow. Contemplating that they are within my command.

Is it really impossible? If I had control over myself yesterday, and I do so today…would that not mean that if I do have control of myself today which is tomorrow’s yesterday, and tomorrow, which by the morrow will be called today…I will never ever change…? If that is so…then tomorrow I will be me…and tomorrow of tomorrow I will remain…then will I not be able to keep things the same…until forever?

Perhaps I’m a fool, perhaps I am ignorant, perhaps I’m too caught up in myself that I refuse to let the future set course for me…but just for this moment…right here…right now…I want to keep it like this…

forever…

Under a starless night

Midnight’s Melody

Hear the melody of this tragedy,

The silence of humanity,

The tears left unshed for the cries left unheard.

Hear the scream of the oppressed,

The song of the forgotten,

The words left unsaid for the deeds left undone.

Call me ignorant,

Call me a fool,

But we’ve lost sight of what is true.

We kept on running,

Doing our things,

We kept on going when it all means nothing.

This façade of prosperity,

This charade of charity,

When are we done, with this superficiality?

Sing a song, write a story,

Tell the world its history.

Let’s altogether sing, this midnight’s melody.

Memory

ไม่รู้ว่าเธอยังจำไ้ด้หรือเปล่า…

ความฝันแต่เดิมก่อน…

ความทรงจำที่เคยมี…

เวลาที่ผ่านพ้นไป…

จบวันนี้ยังไม่ลืม…

คำว่าเพื่อน…

คืออะไร…

The Great Wall

20 years ago today…the Berlin Wall was toppled…a symbolic victory of a new age, new era of prosperity, the triumph of democracy, of free market capitalism over Marxist communism.

The western world rejoiced, holding hands to celebrate the great event. The cold war had ended. The dreaded nuclear holocaust was evaded. Humanity prevailed. The significance of the event is indeed profound. The fall of the Berlin Wall led to the fall of the Soviet Union, ascertaining the superiority of western ideologies.

Many in East Germany had seen their quality of life improved, their security ensured, for many families it was a great moment of reunification, for others a realized hope of freedom. The day carried with it solemnity and sincerity, a bottom of the heart appreciation for life and liberty.

Great as it was, the fall of the Berlin Wall also brought down with it the biggest obstacle in the way of our modern political and economic system. The only threat that kept our progress in check. The cold war guided our civilization to proceed cautiously. To focus on what’s important, to think about what’s happening in the world. The war veterans stared into the face of absolute despair, of soulless murders and of meaningless deaths. They came back never wanting to see it again, or let another soul experience the horrendous destitution form the darkest depth of humanity. They built great cities, conquered the moon, established great institutions. Many fought for equality, for justice, for freedom at the cost of their lives.

We have gained much since 20 years ago, but we have lost much as well. In our prosperity, we became obsessed with successes. In our freedom, we became obsessed with getting our ways. In our equality, we have forgotten those still oppressed. Although the Berlin Wall was destroyed, we managed to build other walls. We walled up in work, making money, hoping that one day we’ll have it all. We walled up with insurances, hoping that we never have to face any risks. We walled up behind masks, shrouding ourselves in mystery and misery, hoping that someone somewhere will notice and care for us.

The old wall may be gone, but a new wall is still here. Until we embrace one another, remembering how much we mean to each other, we’ll never truly be equal. Until we realize that money and security are futile, that there’s more to life than striving for success, we’ll never truly be free. Until we remember our hopes and dreams, chasing after them once more, we’ll never truly be alive.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

It is amazing how in the most random moments, you can conjure up a distant image, a long forgotten memory.

Does the past define who I am today, or does today reflect who I will be tomorrow?Will today yield the answer to yesterday’s question, will it determine the course of tomorrow?

We are entangled in time, caught in between moments, in reflection of the past, in hope of the future…But we live in the here and now, should we not make every moment count? Yet if we do live in the moment, and forget about what’s past, will we not lose a part of ourselves? And if we don’t hope for the future, how can we continue forward?

We are caught in the river of time, the past streaming into the present, flowing into the future. One cannot be without another. The interplay between all of these moments is crucial as a part of life.

Every moments in the past become a link in the chain of memory…every moment in the present…becomes a past…every moment in the future…becomes the present…and the past…They define us, shape us, guiding us into the known and the unknown…

memories…experiences…dreams… LIFE…

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